The Zen of Adoption

“Once there were two women
who never knew each other.
One you do not know.
The other you call Mother.
Two different lives
shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star;
the other became your sun.”

So begins Motherbridge of Love, a new picture book published by Barefoot Books. With gorgeous illustrations and a touching poem that has been a mainstay in many adoption communities for years, this book is going to have a very special place on our shelves.

When we decided to add a child to our family through international adoption, we talked a lot about how we could raise our daughter to value her Chinese heritage, expose her to Chinese culture, and give her the space and the support to feel connected to her birth parents. Due to the nature of of abandonment laws in China, most children who find their way to one of China’s Social Welfare Institutions, don’t have any information about when they were born, where they are from, or who their parents are. That lack of history worries us, it is something we won’t be able to give her, no matter how much we love her - that is a hard thing for a parent to accept.

From the beginning we are going to tell our daughter what we know about her life before she was placed in our arms… it is a part of her story. Hopefully this openness will help her process the emotions and questions that are inevitable as she grows.

It’s so nice to have a book to share with a child as a starting point for conversation, exploration, and understanding… I’m thrilled that Barefoot Books has provided the book, we’ll be sure to create the opportunities to share this with our daughter.

To learn more or to order please visit: Motherbridge of Love on Barefoot’s website.

I had a surprise this weekend when I discovered that our blog The Zen of Adption had been featured by a fellow blogger on Blessed Nest, you can see her lovely post here. Thanks Donna and Heather! I really appreciate your kind words!

Her company, Blessed Nest features gorgeous nesting pillows and other handcrafted accessories. The fabrics are fun and funky, the design is smart and she even offers some organic options. If you are expecting a little one (regardless of how they are arriving!) or if you are looking for the perfect shower gift for a mom-to-be, check out Blessed Nest!

So our little girl, who will be from China, will also share our last name… Doll.

I know… she will endure a lifetime of being referred to as a “China Doll” which is actually viewed by many adoptive parents of children from China as a derogatory label. It is objected to for a lot of reasons, but mainly because it objectifies our daughters and plays into some of the most common stereotypes people have of Asian women as being little and delicate, and beautiful. None of those things are necessarily bad, but it places unrealistic expectations on young girls to be a perfect little porcelain toy. It is probably too much to hope that we’ll avoid the “China Doll” references. We definitely understand that most people will not intend to foist that sterotype onto our daughter’s shoulders when they good-naturedly point out the obvious play on our last name.

Despite all of this, I am looking forward to having actual dolls in our house. We are a liberated couple and our son Alex had a baby doll which was given to him by his Grandma, because according to her, “even little boys need baby dolls to nurture.”

I tend to agree, but Alex didn’t. If you know him, you know that he has a one track mind and it leads straight to the zoo. This baby doll, though obviously a mammal… did not have enough hair, nor did it frequent wild enough habitats. As far as Alex was concerned this baby doll could take it’s promise of a bi-pedal gait and find a kid who appreciates opposable thumbs in his playthings.

So perhaps our daughter will inherit the nameless baby doll her older brother didn’t appreciate, or maybe she’ll want a doll of her own, that looks like her. I started looking around to scout out some of our options. There are a lot of dolls out there, some have features that would be considered asian, some are well made, but very few were both.

One brand of dolls, I was keen to check out was the American Girl empire. They feature smart, brave, well-accessorized girls from various historical settings and nationalities who live through exciting times, have many adventures and get new hair-dos several times a day from their little human caretakers.

American Girl hit the scene when I was around 12… making me just a little too old for my mom to justify even pretending that I would play with one. They are beautiful dolls, created by an innovative entrepreneur, who happened to be a mom, and what made them different, was that they came with books which gave each doll a place in history, a personality, and values that today’s little girls could relate to.

Then they sold out… in a big way, moving away from the educational, wholesome, historically sound stories to more modern sassy girls with trendier clothing and wardrobes that would put a pop diva’s to shame. Don’t get me wrong, they’re not as bad as Bratz, but Mattel has a way of following the money and American Girls quickly evolved into younger, less developed Barbies.

American Girl just announced that they are finally going to offer an Asian doll and thinking that I might look past their obvious corporate mis-steps, I went to check out her details. Well, she is just a side-kick, not really a full-fledged American Girl, which would be fine, except it looks like they took one of their Caucasian dolls, tinted her skin, and gave her black hair. Nothing about her features, in any way, lets on that she is Chinese. Very disappointing.
Then I discovered a doll that gave me hope. I was browsing around and stumbled upon Karito Kids. Owned by KidsGive, A great company started by two moms in 2005. KidsGive’s Karito Kids dolls are definitely modern, but they come from various countries around the world and Ling, their Chinese doll is lovely. I read through everything I could about this company and I like what I’ve seen so far - They have partnered with a wonderful charitable organization Plan USA and 3% of every purchase goes to them to help Kids around the world.

If our daughter happens to like dolls and wants one that reflects the beauty of her own Chinese heritage, this is one that I would consider, and as a bonus it has been created by a company I’d like to support.

(Did you take notes Grandma?)

We know we have a long wait ahead of us and while we wish this weren’t the case, it is an opportunity to prepare. One of the things that I want to create for our daughter is a life book. It is kind of like a scrapbook, or a baby book, but it is more than that. A life book tries to piece together as much of your child’s story as possible. It helps frame the events of their early life in a way that allows them to ask questions, to learn what they can, and to help them make sense of the way in which they join their families. A great article from Adoptive Families Magazine explores the whys and hows of creating a life book.

“During the process of creating lifebooks, parents decide how to share certain information with their children. Parents who once felt nervous about sensitive conversations become more confident as a result of these discussions.”

There are lots of ways to do this, some people use traditional scrapbooking materials, some have special blank books bound, some create their books digitally and have them printed and bound using popular online photo services. I’m not sure which I’ll choose, but I’ve found some wonderful resources which will allow me to learn more. I’m leaning towards a digital book, but I think that offer the least flexibility to add things later. chinadigitalscrapbooks is a great community that shares tips, resources and anything else you’d want to know about digital scrapbooking. They provide not only ideas for design and materials, they also have a wonderful collection of journal topics and ways to best present the sometimes tenuous, or upsetting pieces our our children’s past in a sensitive yet truthful way. Hopefully I’ll be able to post some of my early attempts at creating pages. Of course, it may be that with the exitement and upheaval of having a new little one in our lives, we just don’t have time to spend hours and hours crafting each page. There are beautiful pre-made life books that require only images and some thoughtful journal entries to complete. I don’t know… It kind of seems like cheating, but hey, I may need all the help I can get! adoptshoppe.com is a great place to find some ready-made life books, as well as some how-to guides.