The Zen of Adoption

We have received good news. Our dossier, which arrived in China nearly two years ago made it through review.  This is when China looks at our homestudy, health reports, income reports, references, etc. and asks questions if they have any. If the questions aren’t satisfied, it’s the end of the line. We haven’t been asked any questions, which is a good thing!

Hard to believe that our paperwork has been sitting on a shelf for two years before anyone laid eyes on it. I think back to what I was doing two years ago: Getting Alex settled in Kindergarten, just back from a big work conference getting ready for the holidays and it seems like the time has gone by in the blink of an eye.

We still have no idea when we can expect a referral… still years… but this is a little milestone in a long wait.

We just officially renewed our paperwork and everything went smoothly. Every 18 months we must reapply with the US Department of Homeland Security to keep our petition to bring an adopted child from abroad into the US current. It involves a homestudy update, another round of paperwork and mystifyingly re-fingerprinting (which of course haven’t changed in 18 months!)

We have no idea if we’ll have to do this again, but having waited 18 months already, and faced with the near certainty that we’ll wait at least another 18 more - it is likely. You really have to have a high tolerance for paperwork, bureaucrats, jargon and fees to make it through this process. We’ve been lucky there haven’t been any bumps in the road, just a lot of inconveniences. I think we realized quite a few years ago that our path to a second child was going to be anything but convenient!

So we’re good for another 18 months and are looking forward to traveling to Orlando next weekend to meet with the heads of our agency. It will be nice to meet other waiting parents and see what the latest is on this long, frustrating process. Shoud be interesting.

This lovely quote by American writer, Anne Sexton, expresses how I feel right now, a year into our ever-lengthening adoption wait.

It is strange to think that even though a year has passed, we are likely further from meeting our child than we thought it would take in it’s entirety when we started. Being told 12 - 18 months, and then watching it stretch to what may be a 4-5 year wait is hard to adjust to, but we were prepared for uncertainty when we chose this path. In the short term, we are faced with updating our paperwork, which means more visits from social workers, more notarized letters, more fingerprints (which, am I crazy, or is there little-to-no chance that these changed in the last 12 months… what are they checking for exactly?) No fun, but worth it in the long run…

There is a lot of speculation over whether things will continue to slow down or speed up, how attrition will affect the wait time, as people leave the program to add to their families in other ways, or if the writing is on the wall and China’s international adoption program is winding down. Two sites that offer a lot of opinions about what may happening are http://research-china.blogspot.com and http://www.chinaadopttalk.com but the bottom line is, no one knows for sure.

In the meantime, it has been an interesting year, full of challenges, excitement, changes, and adventures… who knows what the next twelve months will bring, it really doesn’t matter to me as long as they bring me closer to our little one.

We’ve been waiting officially for 10 months today. A blink of the eye in the greater scheme of things. When we applied with our agency in March 2007 it was estimated to be a 12 - 18 month wait until referral. When we submitted our dossier in October it looked more like an estimated 18 months - 2 year wait until referral. This of course was based on current wait times, which is only a small piece of the picture.

As of this month families who have received referrals have been waiting for 30.5 months. There is talk that our wait will possibly reach 3 - 4yrs. There is talk that this is extremely optimistic. (Some people are preparing for 5+ years.) Our agency said that China doesn’t want the wait to reach 3 years. It likely will reach and surpass 3 years, but they never said it wouldn’t reach 3 years, they just said that they didn’t want it to reach 3 years.

At this point, we have no idea how long our wait will be, there is always hope that things could speed up, and the of course the possibility that things could slow down further.  Right now, we are just trying to live life, prepare as much as we can and take things in stride.

I just received word that our Dossier has officially been accepted and logged into the CCAA’s system. Our LID (Log-in Date) is October 23, 2007.

This means that I will be traveling to China with all of the other families who were logged in on October 23, 2007 from our agency. We will have time to get to know each other in the next couple years as we wait for our referrals. Hopefully, by the time we travel, it will be like going with friends!

Right now they have referred families who have been logged in as of 11/30/05… so we have a lot of time before our date gets matched. The rumors out there are all over the map, some saying 3 years or more, some saying two years or less… we are just happy at this point to be done with our dossier and having and official LID is something to celebrate!

We’re off to our local Chinese restaurant!

Creating a beautiful quilt for a baby is a tradition in many cultures, but the thought of making one which includes 100 Good Wishes stiched into every inch is really lovely….

Six Banyans offers a comprehensive, creative, idea filled book to help you create your own Bai Jia Bei, or 100 Good Wishes Quilt!

clipped from www.6banyans.com …honoring an ancient Chinese Tradition Our 100 Good Wishes quilt book provides six creative patterns to showcase the 100 fabrics you collect from family and friends in a 100 Good Wishes quilt swap. We offer designs that are easy enough for the beginning quilter and some challenging ones for the seasoned quilting enthusiast, including: Welcome Home Hunka Hunka Chunks of Love Heartfelt Wishes Especially Four You High Hopes Turtle X-ing An honored tradition from Asia, Bai Jia Bei–the hundred family quilt-has become a favorite way for families waiting to adopt from China to pass the time and welcome their new babies to the family. “100 Good Wishes” offers the opportunity for a circle of friends to use the art of quilt-making.

We just received word today that our Dossier has been translated and is on its way to China. So we are officially DTC (Dossier to China) and it should arrive at the CCAA in China in 3 - 5 days. After all of these months of paperwork, home visits, and notaries it feel wonderful to know that we’ve done everything we can do and that our life stories are on their way to China to intersect with our daughter’s!We reached this little milestone on a day that is already special for another reason, it is my mom’s birthday - Happy Birthday Mom (and Grandma!)

We heard from Kat at CCAI today and our completed Dossier just passed critical review!It is now winging its way to translation. We will be DTC (Dossier to China) within about a week and we expect to be logged in with the CCAA within the next few weeks. China will send us our official log in date (affectionately known as our LID) a couple weeks after that. So our Paperchase has come to an end. It took us about 6 months to reach this point and while I’m very relieved to have finally made it through this process, we did at least feel like we were doing something… Now we just wait.

“The Wait” two of the most dreaded words in the world of China adoption. I couldn’t resist and after months of reading dire predictions and hope-filled delusions about the wait on the various China Adoption message boards out there, I asked Kat what CCAI is currently telling people about the wait. She said very diplomatically, that they aren’t making any predictions, but that they are currently telling prospective adoptive parents that the estimate is 3 years. I don’t know if it will be longer, and can only dream that it might be shorter… but ultimately it is beyond our control. What is within our control is how we spend the next few years: living, preparing, and anticipating…

I just discovered this list which is included in MAPP (Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting) training. It is offered in some states when one prepares to become a foster parent.

It’s quite a list. I found it very thought provoking and it made me ponder our reasons for adoption, and for having kids in general. I think I would be equally interested in their take on what the “right” reasons are.

For us, our journey to adopting a child from China was a process that required a lot of research, a lot of soul searching and an honest look at the family we are creating… Granted some of the reasons below are ludicrous, and are probably included more to make a point than suggest that people would put themselves through the adoption process for all of them. However, I’d be lying if I said some of the reasons below don’t play into the complex series of decisions we’ve make in the last few months, but bottom line we want more children and of all of the options out there, adoption is the way we’ve chosen to add to our family.

The following is a list of wrong motives to adopt:

• Because everybody is doing it (children should not be a fad)

• To have someone who will love you back (not every child may want to reciprocate your love and affection-initially anyway)

• Your biological clock is ticking (not good motivation for adoption)

• You want some company (adopt a dog!)

• Because you feel sorry for the child or want to rescue them (feeling any sense of indebtedness is not fair to a child who did not ask to be in the position they are)

• You could really use another person to help out around the house (hire a housekeeper!)

• A playmate for your other children (baby-sit or do more play-dates)

• Because children from ______ are so cute (may be cute, but cute is not a good reason to adopt)

• If I can’t have a child biologically, I guess I’ll settle for adoption (adoption is not second best, it’s just a different path-and it’s not easy)

• A child will bring my spouse and I closer (might be true, but will likely cause more tension and less one-on-one time together; not good for a struggling marriage)

• I need someone to pass on the family name (poor reason to adopt)

• I’ll start the adoption process and hopefully my husband will come around (it takes the full cooperation of both in the relationship to do this otherwise it is likely to cause great tension in the marriage)

• Love will cure any problem a child may have and I have a lot love to give (unfortunately no amount of love in this world can help some children; though patience, proper advocacy and empathy can help)

• Tired of watching other women have babies (not a good reason to adopt; children who are adopted often have very unique special needs that require a lot of devotion)

• Could use some extra income (some special needs adoptions provide subsidy to cover a child’s extra care needs; often the subsidy does not meet all the expenses of the child)

• You want someone to leave an inheritance to (donate to a worthy charitable organization)

• You think you’ll gain respect and status of sainthood (this is a purely selfish motive; likely you’ll feel more like a servant than anything high and mighty)

• I need a reason to get up in the morning (program your coffee maker; with children there are likely to be days when you don’t feel like getting up in the morning)

• A big tax write off (while this is a bonus, your children will likely cost you more than you’ll get back from your taxes)

• To make me feel complete (you really ought to feel complete before you adopt)

• To have someone to care for you in your old age (children don’t always outlive their parents; it’s terribly sad to hear such expectations being placed on a child; start saving for your future now)

We know we have a long wait ahead of us and while we wish this weren’t the case, it is an opportunity to prepare. One of the things that I want to create for our daughter is a life book. It is kind of like a scrapbook, or a baby book, but it is more than that. A life book tries to piece together as much of your child’s story as possible. It helps frame the events of their early life in a way that allows them to ask questions, to learn what they can, and to help them make sense of the way in which they join their families. A great article from Adoptive Families Magazine explores the whys and hows of creating a life book.

“During the process of creating lifebooks, parents decide how to share certain information with their children. Parents who once felt nervous about sensitive conversations become more confident as a result of these discussions.”

There are lots of ways to do this, some people use traditional scrapbooking materials, some have special blank books bound, some create their books digitally and have them printed and bound using popular online photo services. I’m not sure which I’ll choose, but I’ve found some wonderful resources which will allow me to learn more. I’m leaning towards a digital book, but I think that offer the least flexibility to add things later. chinadigitalscrapbooks is a great community that shares tips, resources and anything else you’d want to know about digital scrapbooking. They provide not only ideas for design and materials, they also have a wonderful collection of journal topics and ways to best present the sometimes tenuous, or upsetting pieces our our children’s past in a sensitive yet truthful way. Hopefully I’ll be able to post some of my early attempts at creating pages. Of course, it may be that with the exitement and upheaval of having a new little one in our lives, we just don’t have time to spend hours and hours crafting each page. There are beautiful pre-made life books that require only images and some thoughtful journal entries to complete. I don’t know… It kind of seems like cheating, but hey, I may need all the help I can get! adoptshoppe.com is a great place to find some ready-made life books, as well as some how-to guides.