The Zen of Adoption

This lovely quote by American writer, Anne Sexton, expresses how I feel right now, a year into our ever-lengthening adoption wait.

It is strange to think that even though a year has passed, we are likely further from meeting our child than we thought it would take in it’s entirety when we started. Being told 12 - 18 months, and then watching it stretch to what may be a 4-5 year wait is hard to adjust to, but we were prepared for uncertainty when we chose this path. In the short term, we are faced with updating our paperwork, which means more visits from social workers, more notarized letters, more fingerprints (which, am I crazy, or is there little-to-no chance that these changed in the last 12 months… what are they checking for exactly?) No fun, but worth it in the long run…

There is a lot of speculation over whether things will continue to slow down or speed up, how attrition will affect the wait time, as people leave the program to add to their families in other ways, or if the writing is on the wall and China’s international adoption program is winding down. Two sites that offer a lot of opinions about what may happening are http://research-china.blogspot.com and http://www.chinaadopttalk.com but the bottom line is, no one knows for sure.

In the meantime, it has been an interesting year, full of challenges, excitement, changes, and adventures… who knows what the next twelve months will bring, it really doesn’t matter to me as long as they bring me closer to our little one.

I’ve written before about Motherbridge of Love, the new children’s book from independent publisher Bareofoot Books. I just had to share the latest news on this lovely book that explores the unique relationship between a little girl who has been adopted internationally and her mothers, both the one who gave birth to her, and the one who adopted her.

With the help of Amy Tan, acclaimed author of The Joy Luck Club, and Saving Fish from Drowning, who lent her voice to this presentation, Barefoot Books created this wonderful animated e-card that brings the art and poetry of this special book to life.

Click to Play!

Please feel free to pass this along to anyone who’s life has been touched by international adoption - there are links in the presentation to learn more about Motherbridge of Love, Barefoot Books and Chinese Culture.

Here is a cool promotional flyer for a new series of Children’s books. The first book should debut in Fall 2007 and it features Lily, an eight-year-old who explores both her Chinese heritage and her American culture. If you’d like to receive notification when these books become available, email Keri at paulkeri@sbcglobal.net.

Half the Sky’s annual auction runs from October 18 to 25th. More than 100 great items will be added to the auction list throughout the day and evening of the 18th. Win a tour of the set of hit TV show, Scrubs! How about a gourmet dinner for 8?! Professional family photos? Author-signed books, artwork, and China treasures galore. See you there!!

I just added a copy of Barefoot Book’s Motherbridge of Love - you can visit the Half-the-Sky auction to see the wonderful items they are offering - or you can go directly to the Motherbridge of Love listing. I’m donating 100% of the winning bid to Half the Sky so if you’ve been meaning to buy this beautiful book, this is a great opportunity to help a worth cause at the same time!

clipped from missionfish.org Half the Sky was created by adoptive parents in order to enrich the lives and enhance the prospects for the children in China who still wait to be adopted, and for those who will spend their childhoods in orphanages. We establish early childhood education, personalized learning and infant nurture programs in state-run Chinese welfare institutions to provide the children stimulation, individual attention, and an active learning environment.Location: Berkeley, CA 94710 Web address: www.halfthesky.org

I just discovered this list which is included in MAPP (Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting) training. It is offered in some states when one prepares to become a foster parent.

It’s quite a list. I found it very thought provoking and it made me ponder our reasons for adoption, and for having kids in general. I think I would be equally interested in their take on what the “right” reasons are.

For us, our journey to adopting a child from China was a process that required a lot of research, a lot of soul searching and an honest look at the family we are creating… Granted some of the reasons below are ludicrous, and are probably included more to make a point than suggest that people would put themselves through the adoption process for all of them. However, I’d be lying if I said some of the reasons below don’t play into the complex series of decisions we’ve make in the last few months, but bottom line we want more children and of all of the options out there, adoption is the way we’ve chosen to add to our family.

The following is a list of wrong motives to adopt:

• Because everybody is doing it (children should not be a fad)

• To have someone who will love you back (not every child may want to reciprocate your love and affection-initially anyway)

• Your biological clock is ticking (not good motivation for adoption)

• You want some company (adopt a dog!)

• Because you feel sorry for the child or want to rescue them (feeling any sense of indebtedness is not fair to a child who did not ask to be in the position they are)

• You could really use another person to help out around the house (hire a housekeeper!)

• A playmate for your other children (baby-sit or do more play-dates)

• Because children from ______ are so cute (may be cute, but cute is not a good reason to adopt)

• If I can’t have a child biologically, I guess I’ll settle for adoption (adoption is not second best, it’s just a different path-and it’s not easy)

• A child will bring my spouse and I closer (might be true, but will likely cause more tension and less one-on-one time together; not good for a struggling marriage)

• I need someone to pass on the family name (poor reason to adopt)

• I’ll start the adoption process and hopefully my husband will come around (it takes the full cooperation of both in the relationship to do this otherwise it is likely to cause great tension in the marriage)

• Love will cure any problem a child may have and I have a lot love to give (unfortunately no amount of love in this world can help some children; though patience, proper advocacy and empathy can help)

• Tired of watching other women have babies (not a good reason to adopt; children who are adopted often have very unique special needs that require a lot of devotion)

• Could use some extra income (some special needs adoptions provide subsidy to cover a child’s extra care needs; often the subsidy does not meet all the expenses of the child)

• You want someone to leave an inheritance to (donate to a worthy charitable organization)

• You think you’ll gain respect and status of sainthood (this is a purely selfish motive; likely you’ll feel more like a servant than anything high and mighty)

• I need a reason to get up in the morning (program your coffee maker; with children there are likely to be days when you don’t feel like getting up in the morning)

• A big tax write off (while this is a bonus, your children will likely cost you more than you’ll get back from your taxes)

• To make me feel complete (you really ought to feel complete before you adopt)

• To have someone to care for you in your old age (children don’t always outlive their parents; it’s terribly sad to hear such expectations being placed on a child; start saving for your future now)

“Once there were two women
who never knew each other.
One you do not know.
The other you call Mother.
Two different lives
shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star;
the other became your sun.”

So begins Motherbridge of Love, a new picture book published by Barefoot Books. With gorgeous illustrations and a touching poem that has been a mainstay in many adoption communities for years, this book is going to have a very special place on our shelves.

When we decided to add a child to our family through international adoption, we talked a lot about how we could raise our daughter to value her Chinese heritage, expose her to Chinese culture, and give her the space and the support to feel connected to her birth parents. Due to the nature of of abandonment laws in China, most children who find their way to one of China’s Social Welfare Institutions, don’t have any information about when they were born, where they are from, or who their parents are. That lack of history worries us, it is something we won’t be able to give her, no matter how much we love her - that is a hard thing for a parent to accept.

From the beginning we are going to tell our daughter what we know about her life before she was placed in our arms… it is a part of her story. Hopefully this openness will help her process the emotions and questions that are inevitable as she grows.

It’s so nice to have a book to share with a child as a starting point for conversation, exploration, and understanding… I’m thrilled that Barefoot Books has provided the book, we’ll be sure to create the opportunities to share this with our daughter.

To learn more or to order please visit: Motherbridge of Love on Barefoot’s website.

We know we have a long wait ahead of us and while we wish this weren’t the case, it is an opportunity to prepare. One of the things that I want to create for our daughter is a life book. It is kind of like a scrapbook, or a baby book, but it is more than that. A life book tries to piece together as much of your child’s story as possible. It helps frame the events of their early life in a way that allows them to ask questions, to learn what they can, and to help them make sense of the way in which they join their families. A great article from Adoptive Families Magazine explores the whys and hows of creating a life book.

“During the process of creating lifebooks, parents decide how to share certain information with their children. Parents who once felt nervous about sensitive conversations become more confident as a result of these discussions.”

There are lots of ways to do this, some people use traditional scrapbooking materials, some have special blank books bound, some create their books digitally and have them printed and bound using popular online photo services. I’m not sure which I’ll choose, but I’ve found some wonderful resources which will allow me to learn more. I’m leaning towards a digital book, but I think that offer the least flexibility to add things later. chinadigitalscrapbooks is a great community that shares tips, resources and anything else you’d want to know about digital scrapbooking. They provide not only ideas for design and materials, they also have a wonderful collection of journal topics and ways to best present the sometimes tenuous, or upsetting pieces our our children’s past in a sensitive yet truthful way. Hopefully I’ll be able to post some of my early attempts at creating pages. Of course, it may be that with the exitement and upheaval of having a new little one in our lives, we just don’t have time to spend hours and hours crafting each page. There are beautiful pre-made life books that require only images and some thoughtful journal entries to complete. I don’t know… It kind of seems like cheating, but hey, I may need all the help I can get! adoptshoppe.com is a great place to find some ready-made life books, as well as some how-to guides.

Many of you know that I work for a children’s publishing company called Barefoot Books. I wanted to share a nice mention that was made in Barefoot’s newsletter regarding our adoption:

“And our US Stallholder Field Manager, Eileen Doll, has recently learned that her application to adopt a little girl from China has been accepted. We’ve all been talking about adoption as our new picture book, Motherbridge of Love a breathtakingly illustrated and touching poem celebrating the special bond between an adoptive child and their mothers, is coming out this September! We’re busy planning lots of exciting ways to get the word out about this wonderful project including an exciting new e-card. Read more about Motherbridge of Love, and its origins on our website.”

You can visit A Barefoot Life for the whole story!

It is so nice when your personal and professional life are connected in some way!

Barefoot’s newsletter also highlights one of our newest artists from Russia and invites you to take advantage of Barefoot Books huge Summer Sale which is running until the end of July. You can even pre-order our highly-anticipated international adoption title, Motherbridge of Love, that I am personally very excited about.

Check out this beautiful song by Kellie Coffey that really captures many of my experiences over the past few years - the joys of motherhood, our longing for another child, infertility, and our journey to adopt our daughter…..

Click Image to play!

Putumayo can always be trusted to compile the most unique, engaging collections of music from around the world, regardless of the theme, and they’ve done it again with the enchanting Asian Dreamland.  We’ve been playing this non-stop in the car. Our favorite track: 4. Cradle Song by Zulya, which Alex affectionately refers to as “Ellie Bellie” (which means something in khazik, but is just funny to Alex.) To hear a bit of this catchy tune click here.

I find the selection a little heavily weighted to songs originating in Japan, but each one is beautiful and I love that they include an idea of what the songs are about.

One surprise was track 2. Dokokade Yoruga Naita by Emme, it features Japanese lyrics set to a traditional celtic tune - I recognized it in the first 15 seconds, what a cool cultural-fusion!

If you want to sing along with Alex to “Ellie Bellie” too? you can find Asian Dreamland here!